I've known this guy for 2 years, we met on my birthday, during the time I was already in another relationship so I really wasn't thinking about this guy. The following year came and my relationship ended and I wasn't really thinking about being in another relationship but I didn't really see any harm in being friends with this guy I met on my birthday. I already knew what he wanted but I let him know from the start that I didn't want to have sex with him.
Over the few months we talked, became friends and we were cool until things changed slightly. One night he were hanging out at my house and we got into a heated discussion about something irrelevant until things took a turn, before you know it one thing lead to another and we had sex. Now when that happened I didn't really look at him differently my feeling were still the same as before.
We pretty much became each others sex buddy until I had a major situation in my family and I needed someone to talk to and just break down. He got me through it and that same night we had our first kiss. Now I've known him for a few months now and yes we've had protected sex but we never kissed. When we did it was something that I enjoyed, to the point where I wanted to kiss him every time I seen him.
Over the time my feelings for him started to change and I started like him more and care, but I knew that his feelings for me didn't really changed, which I knew was understandable just based on the fact I knew neither one of us wanted to be in a relationship and we were just having sex with each other. Towards the summer I told him how I felt and he was cool with it, he said the feelings for him were mutual so I was able to rest a little easier, but the more time we spent together I could feel I cared more and more for him to where I knew I was falling in love with him.
Now this is where things started going horribly wrong, in my opinion, but for about a month I didn't see him, there was communication between us but we didn't see each other. I was contemplating if I wanted to tell him how I felt about him this time because I know that he wasn't in love with me or even had those same feelings for me, especially due to the fact that from the time we met until this point was only 9 months.
***FYI: Our "relationship" started off as friends before sex and I wasn't always ready to jump on him every time I saw him, so it wasn't always about sex***
After about a month of not seeing each other, we finally met up and we just talked and caught up (no sex). At that point I thought it was the right time for me to tell him how I felt but I was scared and nervous. I tried but couldn't.
A few days later we met up and we had a quickie and for some reason I thought I should tell him now at that very moment after we had sex. We sat there for a minute and I softly told him that I was falling in love with him. When I told him of course he was shocked but he told me what I was expecting "I don't know what to say", I told him I wasn't expecting for him to say anything. At that point I thought the best decision was to end everything just avoid me hurting myself even more. I immediately started to get emotional. I hurried to put my clothes on and leave but he stopped me before I could and gave me a hug that made me want to breakdown.
After that dramatic night I deleted his number and went on with my life. After a few months I did see him again one night in the club, it was a little awkward but ok. Just a few weeks later he text me out of the blue and asked the general questions "How are you?" "What are you up to?" etc. I was a little shocked to hear from him but yet skeptical I automatically knew he wanted to have sex but he claimed he didn't and just said he was checking up on me.
Towards the end of the year he talked to me more and more and asked to see me but I avoided him. With a new year started he asked to see me every time I talked to him but I didn't. I didn't feel I was ready to see him, so I buried myself into my work and talked to him on occasion. Three months into the year I still avoided seeing him but I eventually gave in. When I saw him I didn't know how to act, happy, excited, distant; a bitch...I wasn't sure how I wanted to be around him. I saw him and I was jumping up and down on the inside and distant and bitchy on the out. He talked I listened because I didn't know what to say but I eventually opened up and talked about what I was doing at my job so that I didn't seem like a mute. He wasn't there long because it was late so we said our goodbye's and that was it. Not before I did what I've been dreaming about for months and that was kiss him.
Oh my! It was exactly how I remembered. I kissed him to feel his lips against mine and I to see if I had any of those same feelings for him. WHICH I DID. I was happy I kissed him because I have been longing to do that for months. Once I kissed him all of my feelings toward him that I suppressed for months came and hit me like a Mack truck. I thought to myself why did he come back into my life when I know there were other females he could be with. I knew he didn't love me so the only thing I kept thinking about was why, why, why did he come back.
We all have heard the saying “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.”, that was crap because I knew that this didn't have anything to do with him loving me. I mean I would've been a fool to actually believe that. Over the next few months we started up the sex buddy thing again even though I still had the same feelings for him. This time it wasn't constant that we saw each other but we did communicate with each other often. I tried my best to not get close too him and I tried to keep my feelings bottled up as much as possible.
Now with this going back and forth and neither of us are in a committed relationship with each other or anyone else, another year past and I am still confused and still have the lingering question of why in my head. In my opinion I think it would be best to let him go but I don't want to, I understand that it is going to be painful due to the fact that I love him but I really want him. Just recently we were at his house and I had so much on my mind about him. I was there about a good two hours before I said a word. I finally asked him if he wanted to be with me, he asked me how long I've been thinking about that and I said just recently based on a discussion we had a few days prior. He left the room then came back and I just felt it was time for me to go. I didn't want to really hear his response which I already knew what it was. To this day I have not seen nor spoken to him and I'm sad because if this really is the end I didn't even say goodbye or tell him everything that I felt about him.