After all these years (and blog posts) talking about “Free Shyne,” the day is upon us! Despite rumors that there may be a slight release, all appears on schedule for Moses Michael Leviy né Shyne né Jamal Barrow to come home from Clinton Correctional Facility today after serving nearly nine years of a 10-year bid for shooting up the club (and maybe hitting a lady in the nose). And, not too surprisingly, “Shyne” is the #1 trending topic on Twitter.
Of course, that probably means nothing to the rapper once heralded as the second coming of Biggie; technology has exploded in the time since his cell door clanged shut, so we imagine he might have a bit of a tough time getting adjusted to the way things are now. In fact, we peeped our special limited-edition crystal ball to see how it might go…
ShynePo FREE AT LAST PEOPLE FREE AT LAST MOSES MICHAEL LEVIY IS HOME!!! HAPPY SUKKOT!!! I DONT QUITE GET THIS TWOOTER THING BUT IM ABOUT TO CHECK MY EMAILS
ShynePo @aol I’VE GOT MAIL! GIMME MY EMAIL MY USER NAME IS BADBOY1 AND MY PASSWORD IS PASSWORD
ShynePo @AOL HELLO? CLICKETY CLACK BADBOY1 PASSWORD
@ShynePo *picks phone up off modem, peers into it*
ShynePo **** MAN THEY TOLD ME UPSTATE THINGS DONE CHANGED BUT I DO NOT GET THIS AT ALL
iamdiddy @ShynePo Shyne baby! You’re back! Sorry I couldn’t be there to pick you up this morning, but I was too busy uStreaming myself trying to close my mouth all the way! Let’s go!
ShynePo @iamdiddy USTREAMING YEAH YEAH WE HAD TO DO THAT EVERY COUPLE OF MONTHS IN THE BING, CONTRABAND AND ALL THAT. LET’S GO WHERE, THOUGH? I HOPE IT’S THE STUDIO, BECAUSE I GOTTA LACE ALL THOSE TRACKS FOR THE BAD BOY SUPERGROUP ALBUM I’M DOING WITH CAIN AND MARK CURRY!
iamdiddy @ShynePo …ah, man, we gotta talk. Don’t worry, I put together a new video explaining everything! Peep it on YouTube!
iamdiddy *Sets up tripod, consults Stephon Marbury’s Guide to Overexposing Your Crazy*
ShynePo @iamdiddy YOUTUBE IS THAT LIKE HOTBOT PUFF?
iamdiddy @ShynePo Hotbot? Puff? Hahahaha who is you ni**a, Rip Van Wrinkled? Thanks for shootin’ up that chick’s nose and all, but I’m DIDDY! I ran a marathon! I replaced all my regular teeth with baby shark teeth! I wear a tuxedo to bed! I’M CIROC OBAMA!
ShynePo WTF IS A CROCKOBAMA THAT **** SOUND LIKE A SOUTHERN-ASS ALLIGATOR MAN THIS IS TERRIBLE I’M GONNA ASK JEEVES WHAT TO DO
ShynePo @AskJeeves HEY JEEVES I CAN’T FIGURE ANY OF THIS **** OUT I DON’T KNOW HOW TO GET IN TOUCH WITH PEOPLE I EVEN BOUGHT BLACKBERRIES AT C-TOWN BUT ALL THEY DID WAS MAKE MY THUMBS PURPLE
BarringtonLevy @ShynePo U biddlywiddlywhoa? Let’s get this waddlyziddly doooooough!
ShynePo @BarringtonLevy SORRY FAM TIMES CHANGE I HEARD THEM LITTLE NI**AS B2K ARE THE ONES TO ROLL WITH SO I 2-WAYED CHRIS STOKES. WE’RE MEETING AT THE TELLY LATER! HE SAID HE HAD A GREAT DEAL FOR ME!
BarringtonLevy @ShynePo But he’s a kiddly diddly noooooo!
ShynePo @BarringtonLevy WHAT, SHOULD I NOT TAKE A LOOK AT THE PACKAGE HE’S OFFERING?
PausePolice @ShynePo Ayo, son, pause!
ShynePo @PausePolice FAST FORWARD! NO, REWIND! ****, I DUNNO, HOW DO YOU PLAY THIS GAME?
Tami760 @ShynePo whoa.. found a date @http://bit.ly/hBy70 (:
ShynePo @Tami760 BIT WHAT NOW? YA PARENTHESIS POINTING IN THE WRONG DIRECTION SON!
@iamdiddy Nah, man, that’s spam, you gotta ignore that. Twitter’s not for listening, it’s for talking! To people you don’t know! It’s about sanctimonious platitudes and juice fasts and self promotion! Save all that other **** for Tumblr and Facebook!
ShynePo FOR WHO AND WHAT?! GODDAMN I’M ABOUT TO START CRYING OVER HERE **** ALL THIS INTERNET **** LEMME JUST TURN ON THE RADIO
ShynePo WHAT IS A DRAKE?
ShynePo WHAT IS A KID CUDI??
ShynePo WHAT IS A JERKIN’???!?!?!?!
ShynePo *gives up, becomes a rabbi*